In Defense of the Tortoise

"Just try harder." 

"Maybe if you weren't so out of shape."  

"Quit making excuses." 

"You...are a failure." 

"Well look at that.  You didn't make your goal again.  Surprise.  Surprise." 

 "Just add her name to the list of people you have let down."  

  

  I am embarrassed to say that those are words that I used to fairly regularly use with myself.  I knew I needed to nix the negative self-berating but every time I tried, it became one more thing to berate myself about. 

"See!  And you can't even control your tongue with yourself!"  

Then I learned a gentle but magical truth a few summers ago.  I was at a conference and the presenter invited me to lunch.  Me!  As we sat and talked she asked me about some professional and personal things I was working on and over our Subway sandwiches she uttered these life changing words.  "Try encouraging yourself.  Because the words you tell yourself are the ones that come out in stress to others."  For once I didn't try STOPPING my thoughts.  I just started encouraging myself in small ways. 

"You can do it."  

"That was definitely not fun.  But you handled it."  

"No one who knows your heart would say that about you.  Let it go."  

"Thank goodness for tomorrow."  

And it got better.  A lot better.  And I realized I really like who I am.  And I became more gentle with others.  Everyone needs to practice the art of self-encouragement.  It is a beautiful thing that restores hearts and helps rebuild connections.  But I still go through cycles where I find myself back in the throws of self-deprecation. 

Last week was one of those times.  I was bound and determined to build in more exercise even though my husband kept cautioning me that exercise seems to kick off Lupus flares.  Well exercise is also the key to stress relief, strengthening my immune system and to be totally honest proving I can take control over my own body and make good choices for my health.  I set a goal to go one half-mile further each day on my bike.  With the pandemic I certainly have time and I have easy access to a great trail.  So I started riding.  Only it hurt.  It hurt bad.  

"Just push through it." 

 "Toughen up."  

"What a wimp."  

So I pushed harder.  I was taking epsom salt baths and collapsing on the couch for hours afterward, praying that my kidneys would kick back into action in a day or two.  Sometimes I was hobbling along pushing my bike, but I was making it.  Except I wasn't.  I had some good days and I would appreciate the beauty of the ride no matter what and try to stay distracted, but I was failing.  I just couldn't do it. 

"Focus on the good but push harder.  Go faster.  Don't quit."  

I am not kidding when I tell you I got passed by a jogger pushing his two kids in a stroller and I was on my bike.  I'm that kind of slow. 

"You have to toughen up."  

"It will get better".  

But it didn't.  Finally one day as I limped up the driveway and disgustedly parked my bike, I looked at George and said, "I am telling you it feels like acid is coursing through my body and eating at my muscles."  It turns out lactic acidosis is a thing.  And when left unchecked can exacerbate kidney and liver issues - both of which I already work to manage.  So with my do-more-figure-it-out attitude I set out to research what my diet was missing, what stretches could help and what more I could do to wipe this out.  But you know what the experts said?  I needed to go slower so that my body could keep up with the processing.  Seriously?  I scowled and told George I didn't want to be the tortoise.  I like the rabbit.  He just shook his head and smiled.  "You do know the tortoise wins, right?"  No medicine, no magic.  I needed to listen to my body and when my muscles started feeling like it was too much I needed to shift down and go slower.  So I tried it.  Oh my word.  I rode for 90 minutes pain free the first day and every ride since. 

I rode for 70 minutes pain free this morning. Every time I tried to push it a little harder I had to back off a bit.  So I only made it 8 miles today.  Which is totally okay.  There will be other days that I go further and there will be days I may only make it to the end of the driveway.  I will know that I am taking care of me along the way.  I a worth that. 

"That's enough for now."  

"Let's take it easy here."  

"Nice job.  You saw it coming and maintained."  

"Way to take care of you."  

Since my bike rides are also my talk with God times, I was contemplating how many of my friends, like me,  get down on themselves and continue to take on more.  That can be physically, with time, trying to improve spiritually, socially, professionally, really anywhere.  I am the master of making master improvement plans for myself and setting goals that yes I could reach if everything aligns perfectly.  If all of my days are perfectly healthy, and work, technology and all the people in my life are also on their A game then they are definitely possible.  Too often they leave my mind or heart screaming "Slow down.  This is too much to process at once." 

And that is the moment when I have a choice.  I can choose to continue to be cruel and tear myself down.  Or I can choose to encourage myself and show some love.  

The beauty is you will find you will be quitting less often.  

"Those dishes are all piled up.  Looks like you made one fine meal!"

"That was definitely not the right thing to say.  But you apologized and took responsibility.  Way to go."

"Look at you.  You knew you were overwhelmed and ordered chips and salsa from Hacienda instead of trying to bake tonight.  Great choice! (And did you see how nice that salty balanced the sweets at the party?!)"

"Wow.  You were really feeling anxious going in there.  But you took the risk of smiling and reaching out.  And did you see the look in Lucy's eyes?  She really needed that."

"You lost your temper and then apologized.  What a good mom." 

Use some humor when you need to.

"13 people passed me today.  That is 13 people I was able to cheer on!"

"That was FAB-U-LOUS" (Channel your inner Sharpay)

"Oh don't you think you are looking all fine in this new blouse and earrings. Check out that smile"

There will still be hills where you don't have a choice.  You have to push through.  Dialing it back isn't a choice.  Those are the times were the stop at the top is completely justified.  Take in the view.  Let those muscles recover and remind yourself of the amazing journey you just made.  

"You did it!" 

"That was exhausting but you are still standing."

"You are freaking amazing!"

 I watched my daughter go through one of those recently.  She pushed bravely and hard all the way to the top. She had to make that trip herself, but we could cheer her on.  She has come through it with a steadfast love for herself that I hope she never loses.  I think that is how God feels about us too.  

And when we are kind enough to dial it back and take things at a doable speed, we can lay down at night saying to ourselves, "Thanks for thinking of me today.  I can't wait to see what we do tomorrow." 

As we slow under the bridges and chug through tunnels winding through canyons I can't help but contemplate the massive collective effort this railway and system of connection truly is.

I love to travel by train. This method of travel gives a different experience and you have to know what you are in for. My favorite part of trains is that it forces me to slow down. In every way. It also allows my husband to carry my floral bag too...so there's that!

The routes may not be as direct and you have to go where the tracks lead. America just looks different from the lounge car where you see the backside and underside of so much of American life and country that can't be noticed from a jet speeding overhead. There is a subtle beauty, a quiet strength in watching the concrete workers, farmers, taxi drivers, small towns and large cities click by in the connected rhythms of the tracks.

As we slow under the bridges and chug through tunnels winding through canyons I can't help but contemplate the massive collective effort this railway and system of connection truly is. So much labor, sweat and history went into these structures, and I wonder at the forgotten stories they hold.


New landscapes pique my attention and draw me back to favorite novels that I imagined just like this.

The many and varied people who cross paths are high on my list of reasons trains call to me. For the gentle bump and sway of the passenger cars provides time to listen and watch and begin to get a glimpse of the complexity and beauty of the diversities of the human experience.  There is a woman lovingly stitching a handicrafted wedding gift for her niece as she heads to the event near Harpers Ferry. A Baptist woman from the Deep South sharing her travels to explore and study religion around the world with anyone who will listen. The deaf gentleman (how else can you describe an elderly man in a 3 piece suit with his cap just so) who takes the time to tap on the shoulder of a woman who helped him and wave goodbye before he gets off at his station. An artist showing her work while her sponsor (now husband❤️- they have a touching love story) looks on with pride. At each stop the population ebbs and flows. Black, white, young, old, rich, poor, Asian, Amish, ...... a wonderful blend of cultures as some work on laptops and cell phones and others color or crochet. Dutch, Spanish, English are understood and a few new dialects tickle my ears in a quest for recognition. I wonder who they are and what they are saying. 

My husband is a willing partner to these travels, even though the neverending delays try his patience. I know he probably wouldn't pick this mode of travel, preferring the speed of air and control of his hands on his own steering wheel. I love him all the more because he does it for me. We are engaged on the train playing casual games or cards (or sometimes less casual as we both have competitive streaks that need to be kept in check). 

The seats are spacious - especially compared to the chin to knees cramped quarters on airlines. I have found the staff to be courteous and apologetic when issues are out of their control. The porter at the first station watched our baggage while George took me to get dinner. On the train the conductor led us to our seats and has checked with us many times. 

You can see skyscrapers and skylines like Pittsburgh. 

Or the muddy waters of the Youghiogheny River surrounded by green capped mountains nestled in mists of eerie beauty. 
No matter what your destination...there is a magic in riding the rails that I haven't found in any other way. Yes you will probably be late...we are running 2 hrs late today....but knowing that and planning accordingly means that I just have more time to lean against this man I love and escape into a book. And reading together makes any journey a worthwhile one for us. 

No cleaning birds in the bathtub.

     We have been on an extended family reunion circuit road trip with our family. Several weeks ago as we headed across the country,  George pulled into the designated stop for the night much to the horror of my teens. Alex promptly stated that this was a place for witness protection people. Ella said she was sure we would die. Let me note the pickings were slim in South Dakota for Hotels on our route, or excuse me motels, as Ella quickly corrected my usage of the terms. George had in his true to man way selected the lodgings based on breakfast reviews promising homemade cinnamon rolls. 

     But I digress. Back to the gravel parking lot and as we turned the key in the outdoor locks and the girls had to make the choice between entering or being dive-bombed by swarms of small bird size insects they followed us in. Ignoring Alex's advice that "this is why we should avoid a life of crime or you have to live in places like this", I was trying to be reassuring and positive while dubiously looking around myself.  I noted that the front cover of the hotel binder simply said "If you need help call 9-11".  Apparently we were skipping the front desk here! 

     I flipped the book open to find this:

Okay. My mind went full into panic mode. In what world did such a notice about bird cleaning even need to be stated!!?!? Various scenarios flashed through my mind from an eccentric old woman trying to bathe her canary to a full on cult running some kind of ceremony in the hotel bathroom. As I was debating how to get our money back or if I should get something to cover the bedding for us I took a deep breath and paused. The room was clean. 

What else? There was a fly swatter hanging on the wall. Gross, I thought. Then wait, there were currently 70 billion swarming insects just outside the door and I know how much of a night's sleep can be ruined by a pesky buzzing fly or mosquito. Okay, I can see this was meant to be helpful.        

     George came in and with a laugh at us all explained we were in a pheasant hunting area. Suddenly with just one tiny piece of knowledge my entire view shifted. I was suddenly the most ardent supporter of the bird rule. I would probably have made the sign more colorful and included graphics- well maybe not. But I certainly didn't want to use the shower after a pheasant had been gutted and I'm quite sure the proprietor didn't want to clean the mess up! 

     We've laughed about this story several times over the last couple of weeks but I keep falling back on the fact that with my incomplete knowledge of the situation my perspective and judgement were flawed and unfair. I wonder how often that happens in our lives with others each day. I wonder if pausing and seeking understanding can help me shift my thinking. Sometimes that understanding may not shift my view but it will at least build humanity. Oh, and the cinnamon rolls were excellent! 

Because what if today is the first day of that one thing that changes it all for you?

This is outside my comfort zone to share. But I have been inspired by others and have had lots of friends ask me what is the difference this time. So here goes. 

Six months ago I was invited to join a weight loss challenge. My initial thought was an immediate NO! I mean I have struggled with my weight for 20 years. Medicine and health conditions have  made it worse. I have four amazing kids that my body literally grew and developed but that took its toll. My body has allowed me to serve and give and learn and teach and live but it was wearing out. I know that I am loved and that my Heavenly Father has a divine purpose for me and for each of us.  I had already decided that I didn’t want to value myself based on the physical state of my body but I also knew that the state of my physical body literally added value to my life, not by what it looks like but what it allows me to do or not do. So when my doctor said my body was shutting down on me and gave me a prognosis that made me talk in months and years instead of decades I knew I literally had nothing to lose and time with my family to gain. So I decided to try. 

 I looked at the rules and saw that most I was already doing. I don’t drink soda. I drink lots of water although I drink in irregular patterns. But there were a couple that piqued my interest.  My goal was never weight loss. I simply started with a question- what if not eating after 8:00 is the piece I’ve been missing?  How would my body respond? I believe we are the experts on our own bodies if we are honest and really listen. So I signed up for 10 weeks of no eating after 8:00. The other piece I decided to try was sweets only once a week. Sugar in my food I didn’t worry about. When I felt like snacking I just opted for salty snacks. I started going to bed earlier- I think I was eating to stay awake frequently. Slowly but surely the weight began to fall off. I found that I needed to designate my treat day as a specific day otherwise I chose too many cheat days.  🤷‍♀️ 

The first two weeks were hardest. Then I noticed I was feeling better. My bad days weren’t quite so bad and were less frequent. I was vomiting less frequently (an almost daily occurrence with my illness). I had a little more energy on good days. Mostly I could tell my body wasn’t working so hard just to survive. 

 I had a friend who was on her own journey and was inspired to help others. One day her challenge was very simple but included the message “Take care of you. You are worth it.” It struck a chord and it no longer seemed a punishment or chore but a privilege to take care of myself. When I had bad days I told myself, “I’m sorry. That wasn’t very kind. I’ll treat you better tomorrow.” And I did. And an amazing thing happened. As I was more gentle and loving to myself I was more gentle and loving with others. I didn’t expect perfection and I focused on treating myself right by making healthy choices. I determined that if I was treating my body right that my body would settle into its own healthy weight and whether I lost 2 lb or 40 lb I could be at peace knowing I was treating myself well.  

I didn’t take away my favorite treats but I found a proper place for them- once a week seemed to work well for me. I made sure I always had something healthy that I liked on the table along with our favorite meals I already made.  I didn’t count carbs or proteins or anything else but I did record but not limit what I ate and it’s calories so I could be smarter. After round one I had lost 23 lb. The day after it ended I realized I had no desire to stop my new patterns and just kept going. I joined another. This time I decided to focus on 30 minutes a day of exercise but I changed it to fun activity. Many of my friends love all kinds of exercise but my body doesn’t so I looked at my days and decided to not sit down during recess with my preschoolers or to take a walk with my husband or by myself. I could play just dance with my girls or even take a few extra laps around the grocery store with my cart.  I parked at the far end of the lots and told myself “look at you getting those extra steps!”.  Whatever it was I knew I had to fit it in with what I already do and that started working too. 

My husband was incredibly supportive but in his own way. He didn’t stop drinking soda and snacking but he didn’t offer it to me and he started buying me clothes the next size down when my clothes were too big. ( I know what you are thinking but he is an amazing shopper and if I ever look properly put together the odds are very high he chose it!) I had a wonderful group of supportive friends in a group who were encouraging and helped with accountability but for me being accountable to myself was my biggest change.  My weight is still dropping and wherever it settles I will be content. 

And six months later I don’t know what the rheumatologist will say at my next visit but I am feeling content knowing I’m doing my part to treat myself right. So to all of you out there who are frustrated, and tired and feel like quitting listen up. You are amazing! You have managed to use that body you have to do every good thing you’ve ever done. That’s worth celebrating by taking care of yourself. You deserve gentleness and care. You deserve healthy food that fuels you. You are the expert on your own body and if you really listen you will know what makes you feel good (and not just in the next 5 minutes). You will play around with your eating times, amounts, find the times to make movement fun and learn to love yourself. Start by looking in the mirror and taking credit for all you are and do just as you are. And then say what if.....and choose one thing to bless yourself by changing. Because what if today is the first day of that one thing that changes it all for you? And if you need a friend to encourage you, know that I am here and will be cheering for you! 

Sometimes we need a failed furnace to remind us how fortunate we are to have blankets.

We knew the polar vortex was coming. We knew with a week to spare. Have you ever thought about how fortunate we are to have those warnings? What would have killed hundreds or thousands now thankfully only takes the lives of a dozen or two at most. 

Warnings offer us the chance to prepare and in this case we went through the usual bread, milk, toilet paper check but added in our back up heating plan just in case. 

When the true cold hit we grimaced and shook our heads from the warmth of our home and even ventured out for brief seconds to fully experience what this once in a generation cold feels like. -50 windchills are nothing to scoff at after all. 

Then my 16 year old came in and said that the thermostat just stated that there was a power failure from the furnace. Because of course the day that we hit record temps of -20 degrees is the day that the furnace fails. That goes without saying. Although it actually happened for a logical reason explained by a tech who made a house call. (I didn’t even ask what that is going to cost. I just said please send the bill. That will be a crisis for another day!😂) 

It turns out it was so cold that just like the boiling water we threw that turned to instant snow the exhaust from the furnace was turning into snow and being sucked into the intake. Which caused it to ice over and over tax the 21 year old system which was limping on its last leg anyway. The added stress caused the heat exhaust to bend and then crack and rivets to then break loose and thus the system failed. 

We have a wonderful device that measures our indoor temperature and we began to put backup measures in place even as we watched the temperature begin to fall. I was primarily worried about our kids staying warm. George wanted to protect the house. We are a good team offering balanced perspective and oversight. 

He turned on the gas fireplace (some method of backup heat had been on our musthave list when house hunting years ago) and lamented that it doesn’t have a blower fan so is only fractionally as beneficial as it could be. He put our pitifully small fan in front of it and hoped for the best asking me to add replacing the fireplace to our home improvement plan. 

He set up our kerosene heater purchased a decade ago and routinely checked but never needed until now. That’s what emergency preparation is all about after all. It’s for the just in case moments just like this. The sight of it set off all kinds of alarm bells for me- fire, carbon monoxide, etc. That’s my self-proclaimed job in our family- safety monitor (he might say I go a bit above and beyond). Anyway in my research I quickly discovered a bit of a problem. Safe usage requires a fresh supply of oxygen which means a door or window cracked at least 1”. 

First of all most of our windows and the sliding glass door were encased in ice and not opening.  Second of all we weren’t sure the heater would produce more heat than the bitter cold the fresh air would let in. We finally decided to run it in our largest spaced area intermittently (never while we were sleeping) and turned on two carbon monoxide detectors with fresh batteries which we already had ready and waiting. 

He made a run to the store to purchase one new infrared heater and I was grateful for the two new electric blankets we had purchased for Christmas gifts. I made a big pot of soup and the kitchen temperature went up a few degrees. Boiling pots of water does the same.   All the sink cupboards were opened to protect the pipes and a rotating system of heating areas  to a tolerable 60 degrees was established. 

We hung blankets and comforters on windows as added insulation (which mortified our girls who made sure the lights were off so neighbors wouldn’t see the ugly checked comforter glowing through our front windows 🙄. Obviously they weren’t cold enough yet!) We bundled up and George turned on The Day After Tomorrow to show the girls it really wasn’t so bad😂.  We talked about how fortunate we were to have the resources and knowledge we do. We felt secure knowing we had so many friends offering homes as backup plans should we need to temporarily abandon our own.

 I was grateful we had taken action to be prepared and so even if a bit frustrated we weren’t overwhelmed and knew what to do. So much peace of mind comes from being amply prepared and making adjustments from this time will mean even better preparation next time. As we went to bed last night I had some simple thoughts of gratitude. My kids were safe if not as comfortable as they would like tucked into bed with multiple layers of blankets. We had the  knowledge and basic resources to respond on multiple levels. And sometimes it takes a failed furnace to remind us how fortunate we are to have plenty of blankets. 

One Word For a New Year

I am trying something new this year at the suggestion of a friend. If my friends have great ideas why shouldn’t I learn from them? She said that instead of resolutions she likes to choose one word to become her theme or focus in the New Year.  I thought of my now nearly recyclable resolutions from the last decade.  Unrealistic lists that frequently bring me more frustration and shame then accomplishment or real growth. If it hasn’t worked in ten years, what do I have to lose by trying something new? 

So this idea of one word intrigued me....One word? It sounds doable and like maybe I can actually remember it. 

But then I started thinking about choosing that word....how do you choose one word??? 

I took some time and reflected on some questions that came to mind. 

I was reminded that I would probably need to look back before I can look forward. 

What went well for my family this year? 

What do I feel proud of personally? 

Am I living a life consistent with my beliefs? 

What is my biggest challenge? 

And what was the result? As I started to really study this I asked myself the biggest questions of all. What is missing from my life right now? Why? And what is the cost? 

That led me to the follow up- what would change it? And at that very moment I heard the answer clearly whispered to my mind. “Listening”. 

Listening? I thought of my children and the times I have been distracted from their stories and issues this year. I could definitely be a better listener as a mom. I smile at the thought of continuing to shore up those individual relationships. 

But is that it? I thought of my husband. Listening is one of his greatest strengths in our marriage. I can learn a lot about better listening from him - probably by listening to him. Which means more time off of our devices and more planned dates. That actually excites me!

 I think of friends and coworkers and find myself flashing through instances where being a better listener may have given us a better outcome. I shake away the temptation to fall back on those failures and instead focus on the possibilities in this fresh new year.  

And at this point I’m feeling good. I have a plan. I’m going to nail this listening thing this year. So watch out 2019....but then I hear the voice again. 

 “Listening”. 

So there’s more? Oh yes there is, but it’s such a beautiful more. Who knows more about me and my life and my faults and relationships and hopes and dreams than God? How could I have not made this first? He has the Master Plan. He loves my children and husband and family and friends more than I ever possibly could.

 And you know who else He loves? ME!! And He has promised to always be there with wisdom and guidance but it’s up to me to listen. He will send subtle whispers of warnings, gentle reminders in His word, His love through the kindness of others. So I will listen better and more carefully.  This is the year I will start my days by building in some reflection time earmarked for Listening to my Heavenly Father. 

I will unplug more and see the world around me more. I will choose NOT to listen to the belittling voice in my head. I will choose to stop and give my full attention to those I engage with. I will sometimes forget or fail and then I will try again, because that is what I will whisper to myself. 

And as I write those words I’m flooded with an assurance that as I work on being a better listener He will help me listen to my own heart and become more than I ever could have been with long lists of ways to fail. I will be listening. What will you be doing in 2019?

It Was Really Us All Along

This phase of life isn’t what I necessarily expected. I suppose that’s because it’s new. And sometimes lonely. 

When my kids were little I could share their antics and the frustrations of raising a toddler with others. Somehow seeing that other moms were cleaning up spilled cereal and potty training accidents in a stage of perpetual delirium made it seem bearable and the norm. Something along the lines of shared misery and joys making me feel like part of the club.

 Then as they grew up and hit those beloved all teeth and feet elementary years it was sometimes nothing more than a look of sympathy and connection from parents at the pickup line as I shouted for one of them to come back for a lunch bag....and then their backpack...again. Or shared laughs and sighs of frustration  as I found 3 other parents at Walmart at 10:45 pm purchasing styrofoam balls for atom projects due the next day. Apparently my child wasn’t the only one who had some time management and communication issues to work on. 

The bleachers were another source of solidarity and where many of my dearest friendships were forged as we listened and encouraged one another in our continued parenting efforts and swapped 3 minute recipes that could be eaten between music practice and the ball field. Our teens needed the space to succeed and to fail and overcome and sometimes it was so hard when we couldn’t mend their broken hearts. Those moms next to me will never know how much those hugs and cheers and shared popcorn will mean.

 But now I’m entering a new phase. Adult kids. And the landscape has suddenly changed. I’ve pondered long and hard about what makes this feel so different- so disconnected and I look at my adult children and realize that most of my hands on job is done. For better or worse. Of course I continue to pray and advise and watch with wonder the people they have become. And I constantly battle to maintain the energy to finish the job strong with number 3 and 4 who bring their own twists to that finishing phase.  

My social world may no longer be driven by my children and their activities. And as I look at them the questions are changing, my paradigm shifts and it’s no longer my kids who I am building and molding. It’s myself. I find myself with two other moms after our children’s concert and recognize something familiar in their semi-vacant stares - and three hours later when we are asked to leave Taco Bell at closing we depart with hugs and a few tears. Nothing has been solved. Nothing has been figured out. More stories from long ago are coming up. We don’t have to worry about being home on time. Have I done enough? What do I do now that I have so much time to work on me? And what about the parts of me I don’t like? But the burden of our doubts and fears are now being held up by more hands. And seeing compassion and acceptance reflected in their eyes even when they KNOW where I have failed is healing. One dear friend summed it up as simply saying “That was church”. 

 The words of another go through my mind. “Just because someone appears to have it all together doesn’t mean she couldn’t use an arm around her shoulder.” Long distance texts, Marco Polos, phone calls, encouraging words, notes, listening, social media- there are so many ways we can continue to connect.  But it does take a new risk- I’m inviting others into my circle just because I’m there. Me. With no kids attached. This is a new part of life for me. I am challenging myself to be more aware of those around me facing doubts and fears and masking their own struggles and questions. I am trying new things to see how people shine in their own spheres of influence. 

And at 3 am after reconnecting with a cherished friend who was there at an earlier time in my life I realize that our kids may have been commonalities but it was really us all along. Some relationships were more surface and they served their purpose and I’m grateful for them. But a few will be deep and lasting.  Like these water lilies we may appear to be independently floating in the waters of life but those roots we sent down are still there connecting us. Now I know that we continue to have all the same doubts and fears. Somehow we thought this part of life is when “it” would all come together. You know- the parenting, and finances, and health and marriages and careers- this was the time when “it” would all align. Perhaps that day will never come...but today when I looked in the mirror I was able to see a bit more of the love and acceptance from my friends in my reflection and that is enough. I think that’s how God intends it.