But have you ever really thought about the costs of forgiveness?
To begin with let me state clearly and unequivocally that wrongs happen that deeply injure and harm each of us. But when we hold onto that hurt and nurse it and protect it what is the result?
- Hatred
- Wishing Ill on Others
- Revenge
- Distraction from Good
- Cynicism
- Lack of Sleep
- Decreased Health
- Excusing Our Own Mistreatment of Others
- Despair
- Anger
- Frustration
- Sadness
- Guilt
- Keeping Guilt on Others (possibly)
- No New Chances For Anyone
When we look at it this way what is it we are gaining by withholding forgiveness? We get nothing good, absolutely nothing. There are a couple of universal truths which must be understood for forgiveness to take place.
1. Forgiving never means that what happened was okay. It simply means it will harm you no further.
2. All of us will have things we need forgiven for. It is impossible for our words and actions to never negatively cross another in some way.
3. Forgiveness does not mean you have to reestablish toxic relationships. It doesn’t even mean that the offending parties have to accept responsibility for their actions. It means you are choosing to stop the negative flow of that toxic energy.
So what are the costs/results of forgiveness?
- Reconciliation,
- Love
- Peace
- Hope
- Positivity
- Ability to Sleep
- Better Health
- Increased Kindness
- Ability to Focus on the Good
- Patience and Understanding
- Absolving Guilt of Offender (possibly),
- The Belief That You Can Also Have New Chances
When I looked at these lists I couldn’t help but wonder why I ever saw any good in holding onto a grudge. It happens and is a natural part of my very flawed character but I’ve found that character can be changed and improved. Especially through the help of Jesus Christ.
Forgiveness can be difficult. It often takes time passing for the hurt to diminish enough for you to make the conscious choices you need to allow your heart to reopen to possible future hurt. But oh the costs and rewards of letting that go!
One of my favorite stories is of a woman who at church one week had another woman in the midst of a conversation say, “Do you remember when Margaret humiliated you by sharing that story in front of everyone?” The woman simply answered by saying, “I distinctly remember forgetting that.” What power we have in determining what we will choose to remember and what we will choose to forget and not speak of again!
What hurt and anger are you clutching onto and holding so tightly you aren’t leaving room for good? What incident are you ready to choose to stop from hurting you further? What is the cost of forgiveness? What one thing are you willing to let go to increase your peace? Can you imagine the impact on our collective society if each of us would take just one small step in moving forward?
Start with a small offense and practice forgiving. It will get easier and you will be amazed at the change you see. Perhaps a driver cuts you off and you choose to say “That was careless. But I forgive you.” Perhaps a coworker has taken advantage and you need to say “That didn’t feel fair and I hope it doesn’t happen again. But I forgive you and wish you well.” Perhaps a family member uses cruel words or actions and you need to say “That was hurtful to me. But I forgive you and hope you will be more careful with your words in the future.”
Perhaps you have bigger hurts and real tragedies. Read and follow the example of those who have forgiven unspeakable crimes, tragic accidents and horrific abuse. You will find that the peace they have found is also available to you. But most of all you will find that the cost of forgiveness is actually not a cost at all, but rather the very things you are seeking to improve your life right now, this very day.
