One Word For a New Year

I am trying something new this year at the suggestion of a friend. If my friends have great ideas why shouldn’t I learn from them? She said that instead of resolutions she likes to choose one word to become her theme or focus in the New Year.  I thought of my now nearly recyclable resolutions from the last decade.  Unrealistic lists that frequently bring me more frustration and shame then accomplishment or real growth. If it hasn’t worked in ten years, what do I have to lose by trying something new? 

So this idea of one word intrigued me....One word? It sounds doable and like maybe I can actually remember it. 

But then I started thinking about choosing that word....how do you choose one word??? 

I took some time and reflected on some questions that came to mind. 

I was reminded that I would probably need to look back before I can look forward. 

What went well for my family this year? 

What do I feel proud of personally? 

Am I living a life consistent with my beliefs? 

What is my biggest challenge? 

And what was the result? As I started to really study this I asked myself the biggest questions of all. What is missing from my life right now? Why? And what is the cost? 

That led me to the follow up- what would change it? And at that very moment I heard the answer clearly whispered to my mind. “Listening”. 

Listening? I thought of my children and the times I have been distracted from their stories and issues this year. I could definitely be a better listener as a mom. I smile at the thought of continuing to shore up those individual relationships. 

But is that it? I thought of my husband. Listening is one of his greatest strengths in our marriage. I can learn a lot about better listening from him - probably by listening to him. Which means more time off of our devices and more planned dates. That actually excites me!

 I think of friends and coworkers and find myself flashing through instances where being a better listener may have given us a better outcome. I shake away the temptation to fall back on those failures and instead focus on the possibilities in this fresh new year.  

And at this point I’m feeling good. I have a plan. I’m going to nail this listening thing this year. So watch out 2019....but then I hear the voice again. 

 “Listening”. 

So there’s more? Oh yes there is, but it’s such a beautiful more. Who knows more about me and my life and my faults and relationships and hopes and dreams than God? How could I have not made this first? He has the Master Plan. He loves my children and husband and family and friends more than I ever possibly could.

 And you know who else He loves? ME!! And He has promised to always be there with wisdom and guidance but it’s up to me to listen. He will send subtle whispers of warnings, gentle reminders in His word, His love through the kindness of others. So I will listen better and more carefully.  This is the year I will start my days by building in some reflection time earmarked for Listening to my Heavenly Father. 

I will unplug more and see the world around me more. I will choose NOT to listen to the belittling voice in my head. I will choose to stop and give my full attention to those I engage with. I will sometimes forget or fail and then I will try again, because that is what I will whisper to myself. 

And as I write those words I’m flooded with an assurance that as I work on being a better listener He will help me listen to my own heart and become more than I ever could have been with long lists of ways to fail. I will be listening. What will you be doing in 2019?

It Was Really Us All Along

This phase of life isn’t what I necessarily expected. I suppose that’s because it’s new. And sometimes lonely. 

When my kids were little I could share their antics and the frustrations of raising a toddler with others. Somehow seeing that other moms were cleaning up spilled cereal and potty training accidents in a stage of perpetual delirium made it seem bearable and the norm. Something along the lines of shared misery and joys making me feel like part of the club.

 Then as they grew up and hit those beloved all teeth and feet elementary years it was sometimes nothing more than a look of sympathy and connection from parents at the pickup line as I shouted for one of them to come back for a lunch bag....and then their backpack...again. Or shared laughs and sighs of frustration  as I found 3 other parents at Walmart at 10:45 pm purchasing styrofoam balls for atom projects due the next day. Apparently my child wasn’t the only one who had some time management and communication issues to work on. 

The bleachers were another source of solidarity and where many of my dearest friendships were forged as we listened and encouraged one another in our continued parenting efforts and swapped 3 minute recipes that could be eaten between music practice and the ball field. Our teens needed the space to succeed and to fail and overcome and sometimes it was so hard when we couldn’t mend their broken hearts. Those moms next to me will never know how much those hugs and cheers and shared popcorn will mean.

 But now I’m entering a new phase. Adult kids. And the landscape has suddenly changed. I’ve pondered long and hard about what makes this feel so different- so disconnected and I look at my adult children and realize that most of my hands on job is done. For better or worse. Of course I continue to pray and advise and watch with wonder the people they have become. And I constantly battle to maintain the energy to finish the job strong with number 3 and 4 who bring their own twists to that finishing phase.  

My social world may no longer be driven by my children and their activities. And as I look at them the questions are changing, my paradigm shifts and it’s no longer my kids who I am building and molding. It’s myself. I find myself with two other moms after our children’s concert and recognize something familiar in their semi-vacant stares - and three hours later when we are asked to leave Taco Bell at closing we depart with hugs and a few tears. Nothing has been solved. Nothing has been figured out. More stories from long ago are coming up. We don’t have to worry about being home on time. Have I done enough? What do I do now that I have so much time to work on me? And what about the parts of me I don’t like? But the burden of our doubts and fears are now being held up by more hands. And seeing compassion and acceptance reflected in their eyes even when they KNOW where I have failed is healing. One dear friend summed it up as simply saying “That was church”. 

 The words of another go through my mind. “Just because someone appears to have it all together doesn’t mean she couldn’t use an arm around her shoulder.” Long distance texts, Marco Polos, phone calls, encouraging words, notes, listening, social media- there are so many ways we can continue to connect.  But it does take a new risk- I’m inviting others into my circle just because I’m there. Me. With no kids attached. This is a new part of life for me. I am challenging myself to be more aware of those around me facing doubts and fears and masking their own struggles and questions. I am trying new things to see how people shine in their own spheres of influence. 

And at 3 am after reconnecting with a cherished friend who was there at an earlier time in my life I realize that our kids may have been commonalities but it was really us all along. Some relationships were more surface and they served their purpose and I’m grateful for them. But a few will be deep and lasting.  Like these water lilies we may appear to be independently floating in the waters of life but those roots we sent down are still there connecting us. Now I know that we continue to have all the same doubts and fears. Somehow we thought this part of life is when “it” would all come together. You know- the parenting, and finances, and health and marriages and careers- this was the time when “it” would all align. Perhaps that day will never come...but today when I looked in the mirror I was able to see a bit more of the love and acceptance from my friends in my reflection and that is enough. I think that’s how God intends it.